Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Big Britches and the Talking Cow


In May of 2011 the Fullofitstas who for some reason try to derail the White Hats constantly from their mission to recover trillions in stolen money...hmmm.... (wonder who would want to do that... ) Demanded that their questions be answered...  I was asked to answer this one...;)




You expect me to digest this shit? What do I look like 
an internet user?




Here’s the question …

Extra credt? Were you and Pal working with Hopesprings as disinfo agents? What relationship, if any did you have with hopesprings?

ANSWER #1:

Hopesprings, Pal and I met in Espionage 101 at the community college but don’t tell anyone or else we will flunk. I needed her to pass my notes to Pal…she was in between us and when she raised her arm to narc us out to the teacher– her heavenly body jiggled.

Pal and I knew then we were a great team. We brought Hopesprings on board because she was hotter than Mercury’s Uranus and her boobs jiggled when she administered the Lord. She gave us religion and we listened and absorbed it all with the respect true gentleman extend to a true lady– if she‘s hot.

When we graduated Spook Academy our first mission was to protect President Kennedy…

Oops.

We decided to take some time off to rethink our careers and took a sabbatical up on the top of a mountain in a lodge called an Aerie. We talked esoteric religious beliefs and were known to confuse the Fullofitstas…The Fullofitstas was the name given to the locals by a legendary man who lived in an opium den and watched Apocolypse Now and Samurai with Tom Cruise over and over on DVD. ..

Mayor Fulford of Fulford Arizona, who personally took it upon himself to make sure the opium was pure and never cut with a cheap baby laxative. Mayor Fulford threw himself lung, body and soul on that grenade at the local opium den, Huka’s Your Daddy.

Every one met in town to write on a big wall and we frequently argued. The Fullofitstas, it seems wanted to be lied to– and despite our extensive training in Deception 101 at the community college we kept blurting out the truth.

One guy in town we shall call Lew– truth tested the wall and found the Fullofitstas to be the most truthful people in the country of Balonia.

Pal who was moonlighting as an erotic thriller detective novels writer– frequently put chapters featuring his character Dick Raincoat on the wall. Dick Raincoat was steamy stuff and the local women could be seen walking back and forth hundreds of times reading from the corner of their eye while pretending to sell orgonite hats to ward off the evil Queen who was said to turn into a fire breathing dragon and eat children and their pet hamsters.

One night, Hope was heard screaming, “Oh, God … Oh, God” Clearly she was having a religious experience with Pal and I who had bible study threesomes when we weren’t spying on the people in Balonia — those who needed spying on. The hot ones…

Hopespring’s has a way with the word. The second coming is even better than the first.

We were actually just outside of Balonia, our rented Aerie was in the Tibetan region of West Virginia near Martinsburg where there was a desolate farm below. The owner of the farm would come out at all times of the day, shaking his fists at the sky … crying out “My Country, My Country, I’ll do anything for My Very Own Country”.

The farmer named Bigbritches Hutson, had rigged up a still that made 100 proof Virginny Liver numbing corn mash whiskey that cured cancer, diabetes and all forms of intelligent life for miles around. Some people drank it, others used it to strip paint off tractors and one guy used it to operate his space ship he built in the barn. Good lightyear mileage and one heck of a buzz.

BigBritches Hutson’s still was cobbled from plumbing fixtures, copper, old comcast cable boxes and not only made corn mash moonshine but could get the internet and 100 channels including the 24 hour Naked Ranting channel.

BigBritches Hutson’s Moonshine was called “Alias times 10” by the locals because after drinking it — imaginary friends came out of the woodwork to sing Hutson’s praises.

Folks in the farm town were mostly quiet lurkers, keeping to themselves but their high school cow pie throwing team filled the stand every Friday night. It was there where huts got the idea that cow pie throwing should go digital. He is negotiating Cow Pie Wars with Nintendo as we speak.

BigBritches farm was just a mile from Langley and to hide his Internet Still and fool this bulti billion dollar espionage center…

… he got curtains for his window…

(pronounced wind…er….)

Pal, Hopesprings and I liked to tease old BigBritches and we rigged up one of his cow’s with a communications device convincing ol’ Bigbritches he had the smartest talking cow in the county.

COW: Psst. Hey BigBritches…
BIG: Who’s that? Who’s there?
COW: It’s me…your cow…
BIG: Dang.

COW: This is what we …I mean… I… want you to do…you ready…write this down…don’t worry about spelling just get close…
BIG: Okay…

COW: We want you to go on the internet still and tell all the Fullofitstas in Balonia that you are taking over the United States of America…
BIG: Yeah…Go on…

COW: That the used car dealer down at Tiny Tim Turner’s Transams and Model T’s will be President and is going to make everyone his queen.
BIG: Sounds too good to be true…
COW: Oh it is…

BIG: Will they be ending the Federal Reserve in this new republic?
COW: Of course…and re-instating slavery… everyone gets 5 negroes…
BIG: 5? Can I have three hot females one big momma one that makes pancakes and one big male one who can do my chores?
COW: Yep. Now run and tell the good Fullofitstas of Balonia!

BIG: Okay…

End answer to question number 1…
Begin the answer for question number 2.

Comment by eugenekalmes on June 1, 2011 @ 6:21 pm






From T
5/31/11
to me, B. G.
Jesus ... you forgot to tell me to put a towel down ... PIMP.

This is too good not to use, so let's wait for the questions ...

thanks Geno ... this is good shit ...

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