Saturday, November 19, 2011

Slow News Day Volume 4

Slow News Day Volume 4

No...No....I won't go to your camps... I won't...zzzzz.....snort....mumble...mumble...
fascist evil...zzzzzzz....zzzzz.... social adsense can bite my nutsack....
...Assholes.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Africa To Be Divided Up Into Shirts and Skins....

A huge summit of white people convened thousands of miles from Africa to deliberate on the fate of the rich but troubled continent.

Said Harold Pink of Green Bay, who attended the conference, “I know nothing more than I see on the news. Lots of black natives with sharp sticks killing lots of black natives with sharp sticks. We hear tribe names like Zulu, Zimbabwe, and other z-type names, and apparently they don’t get along, so I suggested we divide them up into thousands of warring factions, give them different colored T-shirts, say like Zulu’s in green and gold, and then that way, the civilized world can begin to sort it out at home on their TV’s and take it from there.”

The conference felt it was a good suggestion, but the big problem was designing thousands of T-shirts that would be distinctive enough to tell one warring tribe from the other. Some would have to have polka dots, some would have to be plaid and still they need more identifying characteristics to set each warring faction apart.

Someone suggested one tribe could be skins, an idea they immediately adopted to save money. John Albino, of Ohio, a shoe salesman, suggested different styles of shoes, like one tribe could be in high-top sneakers, and another in say penny-loafers, or cowboy boots.

Then a Chicago Bulls fan who had wandered in by mistake looking for a men’s room, suggested they dye their hair bright colors like bulls player Dennis Rodman. This suggestion was immediately adopted because Dennis Rodman’s fluorescent green hair definitely stood out among other black skinned men.

Then they all got on the subject of sports and another good idea was adopted, to rename the tribes after professional football teams like the Broncos or the Saints.

“I think we made history today, said Bob from Milwaukee. “Once we can tell them apart, maybe then we can figure out why they’re so angry at each other, and who knows, maybe get them some guns.”

“What worries me,” said Beth Kranston of Texas, “is while all these tribes are warring, who’s feeding the elephants?”

A question they all pondered in silence.

I dreamt I lived in America....

Planet X to Serve Jalapeno Dip and Onion Rings at Bilderberg Orgy
By Ben Fullofit

The White and Black Dragon societies met over the weekend with the Charlie Chan Fan Club to discuss the need to pronounce L’s like L’s and not like R’s. Trirrion dorrars was arrot of money and mispronumnciation could resurt in a catastrophic misunderstanding between East and West.
Also on the agenda was Godzilla and the smog monster who were tying up traffic in Tokyo with their endless battle.
The Vatican who had just finished exchanging recipes for fresh baby with the Reptilian Queen of England were overheard discussing how tasty the baby au gratin was and how sushi baby was preferable to the Texas babyback baby.
When it came time to pick up the trillion dollar check the Pope’s head started spinning around in circles and the Queen flew off on a broom leaving the Davos forum to begrudgingly flip the bill.
Interpole met with outer pole and they went to a nearby strip club to watch sexy pole dancers who had been smuggled in from Poland. The Pole Pole dancers were hoping to intermarry with interpole and raise polite polish pole dancing interpole pollsters who took a survey on whether their tongues would stick to the North Pole and Santa said if he commented Mrs. Claus wouldn’t speak to him ever again.
China announced the new Hilton Hotel for Satanists was ready to begin taking in their evil guests but the TSA would need to gently caress their baggage.
Mr. X, who became Christian over the weekend and is now the born again King of Borneo sang born to be wild and born free and born in the usa at Karaoke night sponsored by the Bilderberg Tupperware committee. Daniele Dal Bosco sang, Born to Run.
The January 30th deadline was put off to January 29th 2050 so the red and green dragon societies could fill a hole someone had dug from Iowa to Tibet.
The Bush/Clinton Cabal surprised everyone by announcing they had the Rockefellers tied up in the basement of the Taj Majal and the jazz group Taj majal was guarding them and would poor syrup on them and tell hungry lumberjacks that they were pancakes if a trillion dollar third party post dated check wasn’t cashed by noon, central daylight savings time.
Planet X and it’s owner Mr. X were conspicuously absent from their Xmas pageant that they had rehearsed for all week. Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer was sacrificed for the Winter Solstice and the Pentagon served the ground up venison at its annual Christmas charity event where underprivileged teen-aged boys and girls were given sex with 4 star generals.
Major events will unfold as a result. Things are really heating up. Just ask any homeless man mumbling to themselves for confirmation on the secret societies that taught his dog to speak French.
Frankly I’m freaked out. They ground up Rudolph…does anyone know the implications of this if it’s foggy Christmas eve?

In the hollow of my heart in the shadow of my doubt
I softly wonder what the world is all about
in the corner of my eye I see a second coming
in the rhythm of my lifetime the beat is slowly drumming
bang bang bang goes the drum
bang bang bang goes the gun
at the depth of darkness I’m not a lonely singer
in the belfry of innocense my souls a dead ringer
in the coolness of the water my body senses numbing
breathing in the sounds an echo of the drumming
bang bang bang goes the drum
bang bang bang goes the gun
In the wake of our father I feel a certain ease
humbled by the gesture of a man upon his knees
in the strings of the universe the one’s worth strumming
are the dedicated few playing for the love of drumming
bang bang bang goes the drum
bang bang bang goes the gun
In the hour of the last I see a rain of tears
to wash away the remnants of a world so full of fear
in the symphony of forever I hear someone humming
to the tempo of the song a constant drumming…

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Keeping it Wheel...

What is it?
I call it Television...

Change the channel....

JIM: Needs a laugh track or something...
BOB: I was thinking it needs Lucy or Sid Caesar
JIM: How about porn?

Oh Hi Jim... 
Hey Bob... Was wondering could you invent me something?
Sure what?
I don't know... something like a way to like turn myself into matter and transport myself instantaneously to another place like half way across the world...
Hmmmm...That sounds like a good idea but I need to finish up with this first...
Still working on that thing huh?
Seems like I'm on to something though....

I wore it as a life preserver and jumped in the lake and damn near drown...
I tried it as a planter in the living room... but seems I can do better...
Thought maybe it could be a donut to go with my coffee... too stale...chipped a tooth...

I blame Mom and Dad... they never believed in me... they said I would probably grow up to be a lousy inventor... they wanted me to be a Butcher...

My wife suggested a hat... I told her that was the dumbest idea yet and she left me...

I had this weird vision from the future though....

Then another vision....

and then another and another....

follow the yellow brick road to the Chisum trail? Never ask a mini mart woman cashier for directions... like asking an Indian call center for help with your cell phone...

Officer I swear to you it's the truth... If I don't get to The Jet Propulsion lab in 5 minutes an asteroid will fail to be diverted and the Earth will be destroyed... and I have to pee really bad....

I... I... think.... I have it... of course how could I be so dumb... How could TV precede the radio...It's a radio... listen....

Silent movies... that's what it is... silent movies... of course... Jeeze...

3000 BC... intelligent life... find it and destroy it... before it does something really really dumb...

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Friday, November 11, 2011

The Mind Front

What's with Geno? Nothing... He always pretends to be catatonic 
when it's his turn to do the dishes...

When my son was a Jr. in High School…he called me about 4pm about a project due the next day on the first world war….Kids…jeesh...  I took he and his study partner Manfred to quickly do a video project at the Veterans museum on World War One….

So we shot a video, recorded a rap song and edited it by bedtime for the next day. LOL.

Truthers wrestle with the idea of what the real intention of WARS were…

I post a moment of silence at the 4:15 point for all the vets who died in war because they died BELIEVING they were doing the right thing…

Whether they were lied to or not…

Many regret the loss of innocent life as a result of these lies but many THOUGHT they were doing the right thing…

I think if we are to bridge those who fight with those who question…this is key…in my humble non vet opinion who appreciates courage from all sides…

I hope this helps…


I produced the following movies with kids in schools in a couple afternoons. As you can see kids these days have a surprising knack for creative abstraction and sardonic humor. I guess growing up with Saturday Night Live and Mad TV helps them to make wiseguy a second language. Which was fun for me since I got to plug a couple social barbs into the mix.

This video is pretty abstract and in my opinion there are very strong political and social symbolism in it whether we meant to or not. Public schools are a battlefield in many ways. The elite doctrine is to mold children into a citizenry that repeats the official program rather than encouraging vast multi dimensional learning, discovery and analytical thinking. 

See Charlotte Iserbyt, for her work on the subject.

Continuing on the theme of indoctrination this Zombie movie makes some point regarding the treatment of schools in the black community.

Superhero placement agency to me shows the dashed dreams that results from filling children with unreal expectations about their opportunities beyond school.

This is sadly one of my favorites as it depicts the mental health of children. The information
they are asked to process should drive anyone insane let alone children...

This one obviously has the underlying theme of drugs, addiction, dealing drugs and perhaps what they are putting into foods these days to effect the body in ways most are unaware of. Other themes like cliques and popularity are explored.

This leftist leaning environmental video is punctuated by a brief editorial by me midway in that explains the hidden hook in the green movement. Of course everyone wants a clean environment but it's when the environment is used as a trojan horse for totalitarian draconian measures is what people have to wake up to.

If I can offer a suggestion on blog entries I would like people to tell stories about creative moments in school where you felt good or changed or enlightened by the experience. Plays, videos, music, art, writing... anything...

Thursday, November 10, 2011

2002 A Cyberspace Oddity


Washington- Most of us on the left suspected something. He never seemed quite human. The way he sits so erect. That wooden movement and complexion. That voice that never seems to inflect too high or low but maintains a level that is almost contrary to human emotion.

And yes, there is a hand up his ass controlling his mouth. George Will was created by an italian woodcraftsman named Gepetto who first gained notoriety when he carved a little liar named Pinnochio.

The nose that grew with fabrication almost destroyed the program in its infancy but was later fixed by switching to pine. Apparently Pine like the American public has no concept of lying and its consequences.

Soon the top secret program shot Gepetto in the head and hired a Japanese Robotics Lab to make better use of technology and its potential for lying to the public in a much more efficient manner maximizing the lie and minimizing the conscience.

But this barely begins to tell the tale of Washington spokes puppets. Ventriloquism was widely used in the 50’s and 60’s but in the late 70’s, Robots began to replace the spokes puppets.

Ted Koppel was the first Robotron to replace wooden dummies. You knew it already but finally confirmation. His voice could only come from an electronic synthesizer. And yes that is a toupee but it doesn’t cover a baldhead, it covers a circuit board. known to only a few as The “Teddy Bore” or the “Conservatron 1980”.

But Ted was just the beginning of the spokes puppet line of robots that eventually gave way to superior technology with the strength of a thousand men. The Attorney General Reno was one of the first of these and has been seen rearranging parked cars at the justice department by hand. The Reno had been slated as a line of Lesbian Robots that were to seize control of Florida and was programmed slightly more to the left to work with and enjoy giving and getting special massages from Hillary Clinton.

The Reno was partly responsible for the Waco disaster, because a chip planted in her mercy board had been accidentally installed from the mean spirited Republitrons, a conservatron line of propagandist robots that include the Coulter and the Gingrich.

Many in Washington always wondered why George Will never touched his meal at political luncheons but often saw a hand coming up from under the table.

That was George Stephanopoulos who originally came to Washington as a street mime and puppeteer before being drafted into a top-secret program to create inhuman spokes people who would play both sides of the fence distracting millions of Americans. Meanwhile behind the scenes, America was being dismantled piece by piece.

Koppel’s hair alone cost 6 billion dollars since it was designed to reprocess martinis into water proof and bullet proof hair guard…An acrylic like substance that helps to keep the circuit board dry.

In recent years the wooden George Will has been converted to alloy and revamped to free up George Stephanopoulos’s arm. The “Will” who can now walk on its own and is programmed to attack any sign of emotion from the people around him still has many bugs.

Stephanopoulos had to be trained at MIT to change George’s circuit board every 3 days and had to start lifting weights to be able to remove the 300-pound bulletproof hair guard. They plan to phase George Will out around the year 2060 but until then, they are confident that his hair will protect the circuit board for another 50 years.

By then The Republitron Cyborgs, which are designed to eat liberals and create petroleum by product that is 10 times more toxic then oil, will be firmly in place. The Slick Willie Charmatron 1992 is of course Bill Clinton who is the only one of it’s kind. Designed to charm the world. However, the system had a few bugs. They had hoped to create a robot that could have sex unlike the Bob Dole conservatrons of old but something went wrong.

The “Willie”, they hoped would be able to charm anyone, anybody and anything into the sack where his recorder would relay all pillow talk to the CIA. However, the learning chip, which is designed to make a robot or computer get smarter with each experience, got stuck in the hump mode. The Willie has reportedly bedded down everyone from Ann Coulter to Mikhail Gorbachev.

Coulter who was designed to hold a grudge felt spurned when The Willie wouldn’t leave the Hillary. Hillary is not a robot by the way and is believed to be a genetic experiment that combined the DNA of the modern woman with a rooster.


Okay, if the article was too much for your puritan sensibilities... definitely do not watch this video...


Has anyone ever done any reading on robotics and cloning? The science is certainly mind boggling. In the not so distant future I will return to this post an add some links about the subject. Things that will blow your circuits.

Next Tuesday At Noon

I am woman hear me roar... I don't need a man, I can 
swing my own club... bring home my own dinosaur meat...
 what's with the look?

by Gene Kalmes
Next Tuesday At Noon

Madison Wisconsin–The Women’s Auxiliary hosted their annual luncheon and political forum earlier this week. In past years the women usually drank too much to do anything more then get a gin game going after lunch but this year is was different. Moondust Howe a 49-year-old former graduate of UW who served 3 years for blowing up the Veterans Museum in 1972 approached the microphone and the room went silent.

Long gray hair and a hand made dress of hemp stylishly adorned with scarves and home made jewelry seemed the perfect accent to highlight what is sure to become histories most pivotal moment.

Jesus, evolve already you Neanderthal pig...

The speech has been recorded and sent around the Internet to women and women only. No man has heard the speech to date. Except for me.

I over heard my sister downloading it and frankly I am compelled to keep their secret and allow the plan to go off as scheduled next Tuesday at noon. However, because I am a man, I feel a certain degree of loyalty to my sex and I have decided to be a whistleblower albeit somewhat reluctantly. Here are Moondust Howe’s words:

“Men have been lying to us, enslaving, raping and murdering us and our children for centuries and we not only let them get away with it, but we get them coffee, copy their moronic memos and do most of the dangerous stuff with germ warfare. Where there is a general or a world leader plotting the New World Order there is a stupid bitch sitting quietly in the room scratching down his insane plans and then typing it up and then shredding it. Since we already run the world I come before you to make a suggestion…Why don’t we shoot the poor f’n bastards in the back of the head next Tuesday say about high noon.”

The room stunned into silence came to see the revelation simultaneously and erupted with applause. They all synchronized their watches and pulled their guns out of their purses and started to clean them.

Moondust added, “We will keep the young handsome somewhat sensitive one’s for studding at Guantanamo Bay, men like Brad Pitt and Ashton what’s his name but the rest get a bullet in the back of the head.”

I don’t know where you are going to be next Tuesday gentleman but I’ll be wearing a dress and a wig and mourning the loss of all the good things men brought to the world–Well–Football. Other then that, get your affairs in order gents, because the New World Order is about to slip into something a little more comfortable...

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Christmas Conspiracy

NORTH POLE – A very frustrated Santa stuck his foot through a bass drum and punched his fist through a wall when his over-worked and over-wrought elves failed to produce virtual reality interactive video games, instead falling way short with wood they nailed to some spare tin and put wheels on.

“What’s this?!?” Santa exclaimed incredulously.

“The best we could do with our tools and materials.” Though frightened of Santa and his temper, the elves defended their work.

“This wooden tin thing with wheels isn’t even close,” Santa bellowed in disbelief.

“Let’s see you do better,” an elf cried from the back of the room. Santa eyed his helpers and fought back the urge to start throwing them around.

The Wiser Man...

“Look, I told you this was coming. You’ve had a full year to attend technical college. What did you do? Most of you spent the summer lying around and watching soap operas. I’m deeply disappointed in your initiative and ingenuity.”

“What did you do all summer fat man?” Another elf screamed.

Santa was irate, but he knew it was by far too late in the year to fire or kill any of the elves so he just turned, stormed out the room, and slammed the door, cursing profanely.

“Wow,” an elf commented.

“Wow is right, that seemed so real.” Another elf was really impressed.

“I call it ‘Santa goes ballistic’,” the elf said proudly of his invention.

“Should we show him?”

“No, let’s play a practical joke on him. Let’s tell him we can’t create virtual reality with wood and rubber mallets.”

“How do you think I got these images . . . I hid a video camera holograph video imager inside the wooden tin thing with wheels and caught the real Santa in action.”

“Say, can that thing simulate us working?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“I like the way you think.”

“We escape tonight; pass it on.”

Wrigley Field Blues...

Someone once sat down next to me at a bar looked at my hat and declared. “I hate the cubs!”

I said. “How can you hate the Cubs…that’s like hating a retarded kid…”

Skolnick said the Queen was a major shareholder of the Tribune company…Which explains why the cubs play like they’re playing cricket….

At one time because WGN was in 3rd world countries the cubs were the most loved team worldwide…misery loves company…

Let’s play two!!!!!

Oh the Wrigley stories I have….

7 years old I get a call from my Dad from work…

“Why aren’t you going to the Cub game?”

“I don’t know” was my 7 year old response.

So my parents make sure I get on one of 20 buses going down to Chicago for the Deerfield youth baseball league Cub outing…

Only the T ballers were too young…So I was down at Wrigley with lots of people I didn’t know…tried to keep an eye on one guy I sort of recognized…I think he was an 8th grader and kept trying to shake me…finally he did….

I spent 5th through 9th inning in the lost and found…Cubs lost to the mets 9 to 5 and 19 buses left without me…the 20th razzed the hell out of me when I was finally found….

Oh no you don't... Our son got his striking out genes from your side of the family...
Percentages dictate someone with a keen eye draw a walk in this critical situation...
Okay I admit... I took a called third strike when I married you but
I was on the rebound from a real man and looking for the opposite... Give me that bat and I'll gitterdone...

My parents mean well but retards shouldn’t breed…I think Hitler was right about that one….

Then there was the time Chuck Berry played after the game…My softball team with the help of a bus and a keg were a bit sauced….Tooty, my buddy said, “Let’s go dance on the dugout…”

I said, “Okay!”

Tooty and his girlfriend were intercepted by Andy Frain ushers I made it successfully…I did the chuck berry duck walk thingy all the way to the end of the dugout…turned it into an elvis thingy with some knee double jointed action….dropped to my knees and came up into a moonwalk….

Then I was dragged off to the appreciative cheers of thousands who were so inspired they stormed the field…

I sat in an office like a kid waiting to see the principle…I tried on a Andy Frain Pith Helmet and it fit perfectly….

My friend Tooty peaked around the corner and started laughing…

Mr. Wrigley the Principle came out of his office and dismissed me….I returned to the mess I created and we eventually got on the bus and ate the other half of the big sandwich. The End….

Ask me about the time I took my son and my nephews to the game and the girls in front of us kept lifting up their shirts…WRIGLEY RULES! Cubs suck yes but Wrigley Rules!!!!

I don't expect people will watch this entire video but it is a nice slice of life... people say "you only live once."  But that isn't true if you have a child, you get to experience life again through their eyes...

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Slow News Day Volume 3

I see you're up...HAHAHAHA... When you asked me to set the alarm I knew you would be expecting one of those sissy digital clocks....HAHAHAHA... not the old fashioned -- five alarm fire -- brass balls blaster... HAHAHAHA...that's what you get for being too drunk to drive home... HAHAHAHA...Feel free to toast a pop tart on your way out... HAHAHAHAHA.... 


Cave dwelling men from a humid rocky country declared war on America and pledged to blow up Condoleeza Rice. Which made them hungry for Condoleeza Rice a spicy Mediterranean dish prepared with chicken hearts and accented with curry, paprika, and baked on a rock in plain scorching daylight. After dinner they got on an airplane where they were welcomed into America, issued an alias, gun, box cutter and a map of well insured buildings. The immigration office and INS put their hands over their eyes and counted to ten yelling for them to, “GO!”  The cave dwelling men enrolled in flight school but told the flight school instructor they were only interested in serving coffee, tea, and nuts. Florida and Texas who figure prominently in all insane things issued a statement on Brown skin people. “Brown skin people must declare their intentions before taking a step in any direction. DNA samples will be appreciated and help with yard work.”

The Cave Dwelling men were last seen on public access on a show called 12 steps for terrorists…Step one admit you have a bomb. The cave dwelling men declared on the seldom watched channel that they would be blowing up something big, big, big…But were waiting for the CIA to tell them what, when and where. They also stated that an undisclosed harem of virgins would be waiting in a Swiss bank account after they blew up Condoleeza Rice. Which made them hungry for Condoleeza Rice again and “bomb something angry” that Dominoes didn’t have Condoleeza rice as a topping.

OREGON-Cult-- Children of the six-sided skinheaded pentagram Nazi's abducted Cult of the 12-dotheaded Satanic Comet hoppers. Experts say they are now twice as crazy.

5 letter word for prostitute...Obama...
4 letter word... What Americans and Gynecologists
are tired of looking at...Bush...
Magic Carpet Ride... Begins with an H... ends with a Y...
7 letters... 


NEW MEXICO- Vowing to somehow some way mess with time scientists gathered to discuss the possibilities of just really screwing the world up so bad that things would change second to second because people going back in time would destroy history as we know it and replace it with a sort of constant channel changing that would drive us as mad as them.

Okay, dialing in 540AM for more information...


"Yay." The crew screamed. "Aww" They moaned. Of all the darned luck cited as cause.


CNN Foreign correspondent Mike Smith who questions why he got this assignment found himself red faced as he interviewed a group of foreigners about something big but he wasn't quite sure what that big thing was. He tried to refer to a little pocket language dictionary but by the time he found the right page the big news was old news and the group of foreigners had to catch a bus full of goats.

Never go to a strip club in a Dairy state...


INTERNET-HOW SAFE IS IT FOR PERVERTS? A look at perpetual humping and our porn experts are going to count how many naked bodies are on the internet. For the first time we will have an accurate count of naked people. Presently we have counted 667 million but we still have the baltic states and Russia to go yet.

Divinity Students hit Daytona for week of abstinence: Special report from our Church Ladies on the beat, next week.


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I Admit I'm in Denial...

(Article first published in 2003)

Denial may exist in the accused but it is also the perfect weapon for the accuser. Reasons are said to be rationalizations when quite often they are reasons. If everything a person says is only a rationalization then that person is effectively stifled. The accuser has way too much power. They are judge jury an executioner. Therefore I protest in advance that my words will undoubtedly be labeled as denial, rationalization and justification. Having attempted that pre-emptive strike which no doubt will fall on deaf ears let me continue my reasoning…

People used to say "I may not agree with you but I'll fight for your right to say it."

It is very frightening but those days of sticking up for each other's constitutional rights are all but gone…The extremely wealthy have purchased our legislators, our press and almost all our means of mass media distribution. They are insidiously brainwashing us with globalist one world propaganda. We have been divided and conquered in so many ways we are confused, dizzy with lies, half-truths and besides we have no time to deal with it. Demands on our time leave us loopy when it comes to the facts. I suppose going to a city council meeting and not a bar could be a good start but damn I had a shitty day.

                                               Nice Big Screen TV... What's this movie? Shock and Awe?
                                               Is this Stallone? ... Holy crap we're bombing Iraq again?
                                               Shock and Awe? Jesus... Who is the Secretary of Defense? Jerry        Bruckheimer?     


It's not impossible to use in moderation and still care for people but those using in excess put too much weight on themselves and others as a result. It is like dominoes. When one leans too hard it takes the others with. An individual's dysfunction and the patterns that repeat themselves explain why history repeats itself.

The wealthy who run all aspects of the world are often greedy and as a result put too much weight on the rest of us. Greedy people are like crackheads. Associative math would conclude if 1% own 99% of the wealth and resources then the other 6 billion of us are fighting to survive and get a piece of the remaining 1%. That is why social classes exist and why the remaining 1% shrinks every time someone gets richer. This explains why the middle class now has to work two jobs per household to survive.

We wish you a Merry Christmas...We wish you a Merry Christmas... We wish you a Merry Christmas... 
and a Happy New Year...!

The ruling class elite spends trillions trying to make us believe an illusion that benefits them. The illusion that anyone can get rich by being free to enjoy capitalistic enterprise. The truth is not everyone can get rich and eventually the finite number of opportunities will become zero opportunities. A pie can only be cut up so far.

But why do they need us to believe the illusion that we are all equal with equal opportunity? Sadly because they fear the masses. They think we want what they have. But we don't. We want serenity. They are the largest obstacles to those of us who want to lead a truly free life--free of their economic slavery that fuels their latest war. A war they profit from. How sick is that?

We need an amendment to the constitution that removes profit from war by redirecting the profit directly into social programs, schools and reduces the tax burden for the middle and lowers classes. By taking away profit from war we can be assured that a war will be fought only when it is truly necessary.

Sobering up means sobering up to reality…The first law of physics is for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction…This law of nature therefore demands balance…Capitalism by it's very nature of "greed is good" defies this law invoked by the greatest legislator of all…Earth…

Hey Mac this is a crowbar we don't serve scarecrows here...beat it!

Ask yourself why is the world so screwed up and how do I as an individual add to that big dysfunctional soup. Maybe I'm part of the reason it tastes so bad. Also ask yourself…Who do you think the powers that be think of first, you and I or themselves?

Balance is about fairness, give and take and that is where the crooked cronies have stolen all the power and therefore the leftover opportunity comes with their tentacles attached--if at all.

Having been born in 1960 I am the last of the baby boomers. My formative years were spent listening and twisting to Chubby Checker and the Beatles.

The cynicism of the '70s and beyond would clash with my idealistic spirit that was first fed by the optimistic generation that somehow evolved into the 60s.

Early on I was addicted to black and white movies and impersonated their unique voices. It was The Beatles however and particularly John Lennon who inspired me to try and use art to change the world.

As I grow older and cynicism gives way to even harsher reality I see how naïve this notion was for me, let alone a guy like John Lennon. The world needs that kind of lunacy now more than ever.


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Monday, November 7, 2011

Long Strange Trip It's Been...

I wrote this shortly after Jerry Garcia’s passing…It will be in a book I am editing right now along with some of my other absurdist pieces.


Displaced deadheads convene in parking lot to discuss future. Bewildered and lost, deadheads gathered in the parking lot of a blue’s traveler concert to discuss their future in the post Grateful Dead world left by passing of Jerry Garcia. “I don’t know. Blues Travelers okay, but I don’t feel it is filling the void.” Said one scruffy deadhead. “Yeah, I know what you mean. Something is missing.” Said another tie-died plaid young girl with dirty baggy jeans.

“What can we do about it?” Said another young man who didn’t look like he bathed in quite some time.

Listen up fellow deadheads, I have sad news... Jerry Garcia passed away this morning... The good news is the cops said we can

have another day to mourn... So... Let's pool our hallucinogens and organic juice and make a Funeral punch...

“Blues Traveler is our best bet… Metallica is too heavy… The American presidents are too one dimensional… Green day is still a possibility.”

“Well, we know we don’t want to get jobs…”

They all agreed on that.

“That’s our goal.” Someone else said.

“Yes, we have to keep our focus. It’s not who we follow it’s that we maintain a symbiotic relationship living off the body of a host such as blues traveler.”

Dudes dudes, I have a tambourine, we can start our own band...
We can call ourselves The Neon Clowns!

“It’s not fair.”

“Well, Bob Weir and the guys are going to be traveling again.”

“And we’ll need to make plans for the switch. We have a lot to consider. Who’s vans are running… Who’s got to be bailed out of jail… “

“Some of us want to stay with Blues Traveler.”

“We must stay together. Division will be our downfall. People won’t take us seriously if our numbers drop.”

I knew we shouldn't have dropped acid before the hike... we've walked 30 miles and I'm beginning to think we are still in my bedroom... 

“We need to unionize.” Someone yelled from the crowd.

There was a deafening silence all except someone coughing out a bong hit.

“Anybody know any teamsters?” Another long-haired tie-died plaid straggly young man inquired.

“My uncle Tony is a teamster.” Another scraggly dirty young man answered.

“You think they’ll show us how?”

“No.” Screamed out a 13-year-old granola-eating girl who could have passed for 14. “We must never unionize… If we unionize we’ll have to eat doughnuts like 4 times a day like clock work.”

“Like on a schedule?” The doughnut part concerned most of the granola eaters but the schedule thing was really scary.

“The only schedule we have is the concert schedule, other than that, all time is our own…”

                          Come on kids, get in the van... 
We're almost out of gas!!!!

“Then its decided.”

“What’s decided?”

“We don’t change a thing.”

“But is it Blues Traveler or Bob Weir?”

“Bob Weir.”

“Blues Traveler.”

I would like to dedicate this next number to all the displaced deadheads, left in a sudden sad, pathetic quandary by the passing of our good friend Jerry Garcia... We want you to know that those with money can follow us but the rest of you broke ass stinky mooching fly magnets will need to find some other host to sink your parasitical blood sucking tentacles in... The next song is called Share the love... 1...2...3...

Dudes, me and my dog just need a place to crash for one night 
maybe a month...

“We vote.”

“Voting! Unions! What’s happened to us! I have a good mind to go home and live in mom and dad’s basement.”

“I’ve been thinking about that too.”

“Me too!”

“Yeah, me too!”

“Maybe Jimmy Carter can help us.” Another scraggly dirty long-haired tie-died plaid young woman offered.

“Jimmy Carter! His wife Hillary is a fascist.”

“Let’s just get high and forget about it,” someone suggested.

“I second the motion,” someone else said.

“Who’s got rolling papers?” Another tie-died plaid scraggly long-haired young man said.

And with that, they post-poned the meeting for a date sometime in the future.

Truckin' got my chips cashed the doodah man... FUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHCCCCCCKKKKKKK
That was one hellllllllllllofahhhh Concertttttt!!!!! 
Don't take the brown microdot the man says...I says...Give it here....dude....
I'm not driving....hahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaahhhhaaahhhha 

Come Fly With Me...

That movie the fly scared the heck out of me...what if they really could turn people into flies...? You know they’d use the technology to make money...Summer jobs available...they’d turn out of work college kids into little flying annoying salesmen... 

Fly United! 

The Newspaper ad would read SALES! Like to fly...? Earn big bucks...Go to apply and a man with a big fly head explains...It’s a great summer don’t have to shower or shave...we send you door to door...window to to house selling a variety of products... aerosols...flyswatters...newspaper subscriptions...The best approach we have found in our one million years in to get in the house and use the buzz word...that word by their ears and go will motivate them to buy our product...If they have our product...get them to use it up...and then leave ...and not through a closed just look stupid...

Your salesfly handbook states in bold our 1 million years in the fly has ever achieved physical osmosis through can’t be done...use the door...frosted glass ceiling light shades...are a great place to hide if someones trying to kill you...but there is no ozone layer between you and that 60 watt bulb...dehydration is one of our biggest problems...we lose alot of perfectly good wings that way...hence the 20 dollar wing deposit... you’ll get back at the end of the summer...spiders...if a spider tries to get you to come inside his web to show you our’s a trick...lazy  creeps like to order in...well we can’t all work from the home some of us have to go out into the world...12 year old boys...they are the only things on earth fast enough to catch a fly in mid-air...then they think it’s fun to bounce you off the floor and watch you walk around the house with amnesia...who am I...what am I...where am I...shag carpeting is a bitch...

and we don’t care what you do on your own time but don’t be crawling around on dog poop and coming back to the office...we know...we can tell...okay...we offer the aerodynamic fly immobilizer at competitive prices...we never want to hear you refer to it as a flyswatter...and if you should see hundreds of flys congregating on a strip of sweet smelling’s not a sales’s fly paper...know your product!!!


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Stand up Guy Seeks Stand Up Girl...


I’m in a good mood tonight . . . caught my ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend on America’s Most Wanted.  The TV show that catches the really bad criminals that the police kinda lost track of.  He posted bail, said he’d be back — now we can’t find him anywhere although we didn’t really look.  If they take away all our TV shows for some religious right reason I hope they leave us this one.  I want to know if my new roommate is wanted for eating his old roommate . . . Don’t you?  Jim, the guy on America’s Most Wanted, looks just like . . . I’m going out for cigarettes.  You know who I feel sorry for?  The guy who plays the killer in the reenactments . . . Do you figure people mistake this guy for the real killer . . . I’m not a killer — I just play one on TV.  My head shot’s in my wallet officer . . . Poor guy was hoping to be signing autographs is doing fifteen to twenty . . . Bad career move.    Neighbors calling 911 — He lives next door and said he was an actor.  I just hope they don’t start profiling parking ticket offenders . . . 

I’m an idiot born to the TV generation.  In the trivial pursuit categories science, history, and geography I’m a moron . . . but a freaking genius in arts and entertainment . . . Growing up I never brought books home with me for fear it would remind Mom and Dad I was in school . . . I graduated in the lower 10% of my senior high school class.  One day they handed me this sheet of paper that said I was in the lower 10% which made me really mad . . . No one told me they were keeping track! So needless to say as well as I did in high school I had my pick of community colleges. 

Actually I went to a film school because I didn’t know how to read . . . My textbook was TV Guide and my final thesis, “Why didn’t they kill and eat Gilligan?”  The entrance exam to film school was one true or false question . . . The woman in the shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho was Whoopee Goldberg...I aced it.  

So after college I took my screenplays out west young man to LA and was surprised to find out I wasn’t the only one . . . I got involved in the industry . . . the restaurant industry . . . serving important movie moguls . . . fresh manuscript . . . I went into one producer’s office who ran around the room shouting give Klute, give me Deliverance, give me Gremlins . . . I went home and wrote a story about 5 furry little creatures on a canoe trip with Jane Fonda . . . And they can’t get wet.  The producer loved it!  

I tried to get him to read a western at the time and he said No Dust Pictures.  Tell me there is a chase scene?  I said yes.  He said, “Do the horses crash to the ground?”  I said yes there is a scene like that.  He said, “Tell me, do the cowboys get up and run from the horse just as the horse explodes?”  His point was well taken. . .  Then I went into the Nepetism talent agency, filled out a questionnaire that asked it there was a chance that my mother could have at some point in her life been impregnated by Kirk Douglas, Martin Sheen or Lloyd Bridges?  

They asked me point blank who I was related to and I told them Lenny Gere?  All you people know this guy.  He was the guy in Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds in the farmhouse with his eyes pecked out. . .  He was also the guy with birds pecking at his head when she was in the phone booth when the birds were attacking town. . . They were about to throw me out of the office when I don’t know what came over me but I decided to lie.  I told them I was Harrison Ford’s son. . .  There were much nicer after that, getting me soft drinks, comfortable chairs, and rubbing me all over. . .  I was about to sign a contract when my luck — Harrison Ford came walking through the office and they go, “Harrison your son’s here.”  He turned and looked at me like he was turning to the camera in every Indiana Jones movie ever made.  A blood test later, I was out the door.  Hollywood better be careful if they keep things too much in the family. . .  One of these days all the stars will be wearing straw hats and overalls.  (Deliverance music) Uncle Gramma will you produce my screenplay?  Hollywood Appalachians... Instead of stills they make meth...

 You know I don’t like to poke fun of heavy-set people especially if they are willing to keep their clothes on, but the other day I’m at the beach when Mr. and Mrs. Seacow beach themselves next to me. . . Talk about sun block. . . Then they started putting some kind of suntan ointment on with a paint roller lifting up each other’s flab rolls. . .  Like the sun even wants to get in there.